Parenting Tips

This is an Ignite presentation I did a year ago before I had a dad blog. The presentation is made up of things I tweeted after my son was born.

WARNING: THIS IS NOT FOR KIDS. This is for dads and moms who want to learn from my (at that point) 1.5 years of experience as a parenting expert.


Parenting Tips

  1. Let sleeping babies lie. Preferably somewhere they won’t poop on you.
  2. Never let your kid watch TV unattended. You never know when figure skating will come on.
  3. Sleeping in just gives him another chance to scream you awake. Don’t let him have the satisfaction.
  4. Unsolicited social media advice is like unsolicited parenting advice. Have a dirty diaper for your trouble.
  5. dog food is to crawling babies what cat food is to dogs.
  6. baby sign language for “dog” is dog sign language for “please jump on me.”
  7. an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of poop in your car.
  8. When the doctor speaks listen and take notes. When the mother-in-law-speaks, close your eyes and think of england.
  9. “Baby Catapult” is an idea best saved for the impunity of Father’s Day.
  10. Rocking your kid to sleep with the car is bad for the tranny.
  11. What follows is a comprehensive list of important shit you can get done while holding a three week old baby:
  12. if you have a microwave that reminds you your food is done every 30 sec. Throw it out. You don’t need the pressure.
  13. Your relationship with your infant is the same as Lando Calrissian’s relationship with Darth Vader, except for the choking.
  14. Be attentive, strong smells can upset your baby. Particularly burning pop-tarts.
  15. Never ask a breast fed kid if it smelled that bad when he ate it.
  16. Don’t let your kid eat cookies while sitting on the heating intake.


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