This is an Ignite presentation I did a year ago before I had a dad blog. The presentation is made up of things I tweeted after my son was born.
WARNING: THIS IS NOT FOR KIDS. This is for dads and moms who want to learn from my (at that point) 1.5 years of experience as a parenting expert.
- Let sleeping babies lie. Preferably somewhere they won’t poop on you.
- Never let your kid watch TV unattended. You never know when figure skating will come on.
- Sleeping in just gives him another chance to scream you awake. Don’t let him have the satisfaction.
- Unsolicited social media advice is like unsolicited parenting advice. Have a dirty diaper for your trouble.
- dog food is to crawling babies what cat food is to dogs.
- baby sign language for “dog” is dog sign language for “please jump on me.”
- an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of poop in your car.
- When the doctor speaks listen and take notes. When the mother-in-law-speaks, close your eyes and think of england.
- “Baby Catapult” is an idea best saved for the impunity of Father’s Day.
- Rocking your kid to sleep with the car is bad for the tranny.
- What follows is a comprehensive list of important shit you can get done while holding a three week old baby:
- if you have a microwave that reminds you your food is done every 30 sec. Throw it out. You don’t need the pressure.
- Your relationship with your infant is the same as Lando Calrissian’s relationship with Darth Vader, except for the choking.
- Be attentive, strong smells can upset your baby. Particularly burning pop-tarts.
- Never ask a breast fed kid if it smelled that bad when he ate it.
- Don’t let your kid eat cookies while sitting on the heating intake.